I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
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