I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
