i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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