I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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