i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
