My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
