wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
