I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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