I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize