I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
