not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
