i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
