A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
