Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
