I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
