This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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