he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
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