idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
