you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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