He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
