my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
