remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
