Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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