based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize