Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
