I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
