Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
