1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
