he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
