Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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