I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
