i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
