my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
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