sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
