ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
