You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
