the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
