life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
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