It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
