I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
