im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
