Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Are my feet made of real feet?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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