I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
