i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
