Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
