No awkward lesbian experiences without me
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Randomize