You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
