Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Pants are for mortals
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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