my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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