yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
It's never too late to be topless.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize