I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
no, he came in my armpit
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
