Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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