Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
