did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
