don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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